More sincere answers to stupid questions

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Some people find this site by using google as an oracle. Others just ask stupid questions. I had fun the last time I answered these questions with some sincerity, so here’s a new round. The questions are directly copied from what visitors entered into google:

do ants like fake sugar

No. They don’t like margarine, either.

what do you call someone whos an adjunct professor

Professor.

what to do if we don’t know anything about the subject in exam

You study.

david correia fuck jared diamond

If you have photos, you might consider blackmailing both of them for some serious cash.

are professors at top slac good researchers? –confidential

Some of them are.

should i call him doctor or professor

Assuming that he’s your professor with a doctorate, either will do fine.

is a professor higher than a mr

Probably not me. I’m just 5’3” or so.

effectiveness of field trips graph

Photo on 1-23-14 at 5.11 PM

will i ever get a tenure track job?

Maybe.

life at an r1 vs pui is it better

You can have fulfilling career in both research and teaching at either one. What way do you want to be held accountable? If you want to be held accountable for research productivity and grant acquisition, the R1 is better. If you want to be held accountable by having created the perception of quality teaching, then a PUI is better.

Is being denied tenure the same as being fired?

Technically, no, it’s a non-renewal of contract. But for all functional purposes, yes. It sure feels like getting fired.

chances of getting a faculty position at good institution

Ranging from excellent to poor, depending on your definition of “good.”

can i get tenure track without nature paper

Yes.

does agreeing to a job verbally commit you to anything?

No.

how can you answer if being asked what is your philosophy in teaching

You say what your teaching philosophy is.

why is mcglynn collecting dead insects and leaf litter from the rainforest floor

For what it’s worth, they’re alive when they’re collected.

how to call an old men sir mister

The same way you call younger people sir mister. People are people, you know.

should i take the first r1 job

The question is, do you feel lucky?

antscience name

Myrmecology. Or, if you’re feeling cheeky like my podiatrist, “ant-omology.”

characteristics of a bad elevator speech

body odor, spittle, and a broken elevator.

in my school how is my science laboratory

You might want to start with a reference librarian.

why shouldn’t women be science

Because you’re a sexist pigdog who needs to rot for eternity in his own insecure misogynist hell. No offense intended to pigdogs.

5 thoughts on “More sincere answers to stupid questions

  1. My favorite answer, to the question about life at RI vs PUI: “You can have fulfilling career in both research and teaching at either one. What way do you want to be held accountable? If you want to be held accountable for research productivity and grant acquisition, the R1 is better. If you want to be held accountable by having created the perception of quality teaching, then a PUI is better.”

    “Being held accountable by having created the perception of quality teaching” is a cynical, jaded and extremely accurate description of how we are evaluated at PUIs. A good post would be on some ideas for how to break out of this model of evaluation of faculty. Even if you have evidence of student learning (pre-test/post-test comparisons, skills tests, etc.), if you have not created the perception of quality teaching in the minds of your students (as assessed by your institution’s Student Evaluation of Teaching), your life at a PUI will be more difficult.

  2. Are pigdogs closely related to manbearpigs?

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