Once in a while, I look at the statistics for this site and I get to see some of the search terms that folks use to arrive here. Sometimes these are questions that may have gone unanswered. So, here are some of these queries, and my replies. (I’ve done this plenty before by the way, though it’s been a while.) For each search term, I provide a response. (The title, by the way, is an homage to MAD’s “snappy answers to stupid questions.”

 

how to destroy a bad graduate advisor

Tell them you’re planning to become a sales rep after you finish your dissertation.

 

how to get out of academic dishonesty

I guess you should lie?

 

lady professor otherwise called as

Professor. You call her PROFESSOR.

 

dynamic ecology nut graph

Wow, man, really? Now they’re getting credit for my posts? I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be flattered or dismayed.

 

how to be a gracious winner

“It was a team effort, I just went out there and put in 100%, just taking one game at a time.”

 

i sucked as ta did not know

I’m glad to hear you figured this out.

 

how to treat a proffesor if is woman

Just. Like. A. Man.

 

how to sway a deans decision on tenure

Identify the source of their insecurity.

 

university lecturer caught using image in presentaion without permission or credit

People get caught for this? Please, tell me more.

 

first author second author

red author blue author

 

what to do if you suspect a reviewer is intentionally sitting on your paper

Ask.

 

best clothing color for student evaluations

It depends on how the classroom is painted, you want to use camouflage to avoid detection.

 

difference between professor and mrs

The first one is your professor. The second one is not.

 

how to respond to student about extra credit

Maybe you could check your own syllabus to find out your policy.

 

is it miss to a professor

No, it’s professor to a professor, or it’s Dr. to a professor.

 

super assistant et antboy

Is this an E.T.-Marvel crossover? Are you looking for a scientific consultant?

 

how to say a girls name if she a doctor

Dr., or, maybe Dr. Started-Med-School-At-The-Age-of-12

 

i gave bad questions on an exam what to do

Visit your institution’s center for teaching and learning.

 

miss or ms for professor

Really, you haven’t been paying attention?

 

how to make a phone call to your professor

It’s kind of like Skype or FaceTime but without video. You just use the number used for texting, it also can be used for voice calls.